It has been awhile since I was able to pinpoint what my emotional state is, in actuality. I can say I am fine but it has no relevance to being fine. I am neither here nor there; I feel unidentifiable.
Sometimes, as with today, I can drown out the numbness but the only emotion that does so successfully is rage. And while snapping that fine line feels good--and by good, I mean I can feel it and that sensation pulls me away from the desperate void-it is not good in reality for anyone involved.
It is a debacle of harsh words, bubbling like over simmered poison, hissing on the unsuspecting bystanders, scalding those unhappily on my periphery.
The resulting withdrawal on all sides--lo, self preservation, arise and be present--simply lapses back into the shadows and my rage limps back from whence it came.
And so it goes.